More reasons to never leave the house

I thought I’d share some of my negative experiences I had in a public bathroom the other day.

The lock for the stall I needed to use was installed backwards — it only locked from the outside. Historically, public bathrooms used locking technology to ensure the user that nobody outside could kick down the door. This was considered a huge breakthrough, as before the lock people had to risk social disgrace whenever they took a dump. Because somebody didn’t know how to install a lock, I was denied my sacred right.

Life Hack: How to turn a bathroom stall into a prison cell

I consider Plan B: Casually wait until the person in the next stall completes their passage. Plan B has a number of flaws, one of them being that I am now on that person’s (we’ll call him Peter) schedule. Even worse, I’ll have to justify myself for waiting outside of this guy’s stall when another one was technically available. You may ask why I’d ever have to justify myself to a complete stranger in a public restroom. While I see your point, my anonymous character is at stake (Read: Asserting Your Brand in All Situations to Achieve Corporate Supremecy Later in Life). In the end, the most fundamental issue was that Peter took all the fucking time in the world to take this dump.

After a certain amount of time (anywhere from 10 minutes to 12 seconds — in these high pressure situations, who knows?), it crosses my mind that perhaps this guy isn’t taking a crap, but trying to quietly rub one out. As ridiculous as that sounds, you can never be too sure, which is why Plan C is really the best plan: Full retreat.

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Epilogue: It was fortunate that I didn’t have to go so badly that holding it in was not an option. I eventually claimed the throne and confronted my destiny. Weird plot twist: I had my first experience with an automatic soap dispensor. Never had I seen one before, but I immediately felt uncomfortable. Here’s how automatic soap dispensors work: patiently hold out your hand and wait for it to shoot its creamy load. If you need a quick face wash, you can also bend over for a soap dispenser money shot. And that’s how automatic soap dispensors work.

As seen online!

Sam Hyde’s Prank Ted Talk “2070 Paradigm Shift”

I would like to start this post with my favorite quote from this video: “What inspires me is teaching Javascript to African refuges” -Sam Hyde

Samuel Hyde is a Comedian who belongs to a sketch group called Million Dollar Extreme, and he pulled one of the most epic pranks with a fake ted talk at Drexel University. At my university I am a member of the Business Builders Club and I major in business, as a result I am very familiar with Ted Talks. In fact, people I know have participated and spoken at Tedx events, and I have been to several Ted talks myself. People love talking about innovation, and many of the people on Ted talks like showing off their brilliant ideas or theories.

Most ideas at Ted talks revolve around startups, technology, social enterprise, and positive lifestyle choices. In the 19 minutes of Sam’s talk he effectively mocks every single part of Ted talks. Ted Talks are very inspiring and I think they do a very good job of promoting awareness and driving innovation. However, Sam’s presentation lets us look at Ted Talks in a different way. Ultimately, we should consider how much of Ted talks are just hype.

Taking Your First Slice Out of The Day, and Giving Up Your Last Piece of Dignity

The year was 1990 something and I walked into the first day of my 2nd grade class. The teacher started explaining that we will be doing a small exercise to get acquainted with her, and the rest of the class. We each took turns telling our: name, favorite subject, favorite color, and favorite food. When it got around to me I explained myself and told the class my favorite food was pizza. This wasn’t much of a shock because everyone said that pizza was their favorite food, it must have had something to do with Chuck E Cheese. I remember pizza day was the craziest day in the cafeteria and my classmates and I would have eaten pizza for any meal of the day.

Naturally, when my mother asked what I wanted for breakfast I would say “Pizza” and she said “No, pizza is not for breakfast, you’re not allowed.” The concept of pizza for breakfast was about as badass to me as, staying up after midnight or learning a new curse word. Fuck…I really wanted pizza for breakfast. I dreamt of the day when the sun light would fill the room and the birds would jovially chirp as I ate pizza with my morning cartoons.

Now, the date is October 20th, 2013 and I just woke up from a long night of drinking. I grab the cup of water next to my bed and take a big sip. I take off my shoes, a task typically done before bed that I couldn’t manage to do the night before . I stand up, my head pounds and a throbbing pain shoots through my body. I make the quest to the sink, start the water, and begin drinking directly from the faucet. My stomach settles and I realize its time for breakfast, I’m starving. A search through the fridge yields cream cheese with no bagels, a bottle of Sriracha, 3 Milwaukee’s best ice, and some sort of indian food which has clearly been there for weeks. I sit down on the couch, and there it is, the half eaten pizza my drunken self had ordered the night before. I open the box, and with the least bit of self-respect, eat pizza for breakfast. What had once been a dream of mine, over a decade ago, had finally came into fruition. However, it was not the liberating experience I had once dreamed of, it was a clear indicator that I had given up the one piece of dignity I had left.