I thought I’d share some of my negative experiences I had in a public bathroom the other day.

The lock for the stall I needed to use was installed backwards — it only locked from the outside. Historically, public bathrooms used locking technology to ensure the user that nobody outside could kick down the door. This was considered a huge breakthrough, as before the lock people had to risk social disgrace whenever they took a dump. Because somebody didn’t know how to install a lock, I was denied my sacred right.

Life Hack: How to turn a bathroom stall into a prison cell

I consider Plan B: Casually wait until the person in the next stall completes their passage. Plan B has a number of flaws, one of them being that I am now on that person’s (we’ll call him Peter) schedule. Even worse, I’ll have to justify myself for waiting outside of this guy’s stall when another one was technically available. You may ask why I’d ever have to justify myself to a complete stranger in a public restroom. While I see your point, my anonymous character is at stake (Read: Asserting Your Brand in All Situations to Achieve Corporate Supremecy Later in Life). In the end, the most fundamental issue was that Peter took all the fucking time in the world to take this dump.

After a certain amount of time (anywhere from 10 minutes to 12 seconds — in these high pressure situations, who knows?), it crosses my mind that perhaps this guy isn’t taking a crap, but trying to quietly rub one out. As ridiculous as that sounds, you can never be too sure, which is why Plan C is really the best plan: Full retreat.

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Epilogue: It was fortunate that I didn’t have to go so badly that holding it in was not an option. I eventually claimed the throne and confronted my destiny. Weird plot twist: I had my first experience with an automatic soap dispensor. Never had I seen one before, but I immediately felt uncomfortable. Here’s how automatic soap dispensors work: patiently hold out your hand and wait for it to shoot its creamy load. If you need a quick face wash, you can also bend over for a soap dispenser money shot. And that’s how automatic soap dispensors work.

As seen online!