Weird Wednesday

This must be the dystopian future that conservatives worry about should the hippies ever win. This man lured these children out to his barn and— NOT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD DAMMIT. In all honesty, these kids look super uncomfortable. Probably the worst thing to happen to children’s television since Hard Sports Hour with Jerry Sandusky. Pedo-yoga also teaches us important lessons beyond casual stretching. Where would you be if that cow hadn’t reminded you to breath?

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Here’s some other weird links from around the web:
Boobah — I have no idea. If you’ve waisted enough time here, you’ll eventually find a game where you are an angry black guy catching apples.

Gandalf Europop Nod — Exactly what it sounds like. Save this one for Friday night before you go out.

Truly Outrageous — 80s anime can be truly outrageous. Almost as outrageous as Goku getting punched in the balls (THE DRAGONBALLS!)

Hacker Typer — Impress babes with your computer hacking skills.

Happy Wednesday

More reasons to never leave the house

I thought I’d share some of my negative experiences I had in a public bathroom the other day.

The lock for the stall I needed to use was installed backwards — it only locked from the outside. Historically, public bathrooms used locking technology to ensure the user that nobody outside could kick down the door. This was considered a huge breakthrough, as before the lock people had to risk social disgrace whenever they took a dump. Because somebody didn’t know how to install a lock, I was denied my sacred right.

Life Hack: How to turn a bathroom stall into a prison cell

I consider Plan B: Casually wait until the person in the next stall completes their passage. Plan B has a number of flaws, one of them being that I am now on that person’s (we’ll call him Peter) schedule. Even worse, I’ll have to justify myself for waiting outside of this guy’s stall when another one was technically available. You may ask why I’d ever have to justify myself to a complete stranger in a public restroom. While I see your point, my anonymous character is at stake (Read: Asserting Your Brand in All Situations to Achieve Corporate Supremecy Later in Life). In the end, the most fundamental issue was that Peter took all the fucking time in the world to take this dump.

After a certain amount of time (anywhere from 10 minutes to 12 seconds — in these high pressure situations, who knows?), it crosses my mind that perhaps this guy isn’t taking a crap, but trying to quietly rub one out. As ridiculous as that sounds, you can never be too sure, which is why Plan C is really the best plan: Full retreat.

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Epilogue: It was fortunate that I didn’t have to go so badly that holding it in was not an option. I eventually claimed the throne and confronted my destiny. Weird plot twist: I had my first experience with an automatic soap dispensor. Never had I seen one before, but I immediately felt uncomfortable. Here’s how automatic soap dispensors work: patiently hold out your hand and wait for it to shoot its creamy load. If you need a quick face wash, you can also bend over for a soap dispenser money shot. And that’s how automatic soap dispensors work.

As seen online!